Follow the mail on Twitter.

• +
• -
• Text size

We all make sacrifices for our kids and some of them are more painful than others. This summer’s big sacrifice on my part was a day at a water park yesterday, which the kids and their mates thoroughly enjoyed while I struggled with the expense, the heat, the crowd and the lack of sun beds. It did, however, give me the opportunity, (whilst sitting for hours under a tree trying to avoid the sun and the other fun seekers), to ponder some of life’s more impenetrable mysteries.

Mystery number one is why do some grossly overweight women with lots of cellulite insist on wearing thongs in a public place? As a woman, I would like to support other women’s efforts to deal with unresolved issues of self-esteem and male oppression but this is a step too far. However, what I find slightly more disturbing, is the sight of men in skin-tight Speedos. Unless you are on a national swim team at the Olympics, there really is no excuse for it.

My hero, David Beckham, has been spotted wearing them but I will forgive that, as he is possibly the only man on the planet who could look sexy in a pair. Apparently, Fabio Capello was also spotted on a beach, after England’s disgraceful exit from the World Cup, sporting a pair. This should have been enough to settle the, ‘is he fit to manage our lads?’ question once and for all…

Anyone who wears Speedos shows a complete lack of judgement in my opinion. They are far too tight and reveal far too much, most of which is deeply unattractive. When a man walks past you in a pair of Speedos, it is almost like being inadvertently groped on a crowded tube train. In other words, it wouldn’t matter half so much if the man was good-looking but is truly appalling when he isn’t. This kind of poor judgement leads people to do things like post pictures of themselves in their underwear on Facebook or walk into a crowded pub after 6pm and order a cappuccino.

On holiday in France a couple of years ago I tried to take my son to a local swimming pool. We were not allowed entry because his swimwear was too large. In other words, he was wearing normal shorts. But this is apparently public policy in France. I have no idea how to explain it other than to say, it is just wrong. In order to gain entry, I was forced to go to a local shop and buy him a pair of Speedos that, as you can imagine, were later thrown into the bottom of a draw and have never been worn since. Needless to say we never went back to the public pool and I filed away pornographic memories of my brief visit to add to my list of reasons never to move to France.

I am off to the beach later with the kids so, anyone thinking of putting on a pair of tight skimpy swimwear with a beer gut or a hairy back, please just cover up!