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Tales from the Coffeeshop: Latest conspiracy against Kyproulla made in Germany
THE INTERNATIONAL headquarters for the plotting and development of conspiracies against our long-suffering Kyproulla has moved from London to Berlin, events in the last couple of weeks seem to suggest.
Nobody could say whether the move is permanent, because for the duplicitous Brits it is a matter of prestige having the ‘Conspiracies Against Kyproulla HQ’ (CAKHQ) in their capital, a happy reminder of their glorious colonial past. But with the Cyprob dead and buried there is no real scope for the hatching of sinister plots against the Greek Cypriots.
Now that our problem is money, the Germans, who have lots of it, inevitably have taken charge of the foreign scheming against the island of sunshine and martyrdom, informally assisted by the Yanks, who run the inhuman, neo-liberal IMF.
Back in the days of the Cold War, the CAKHQ was in Washington, as any Soviet-worshipping Akelite would tell you, but the Yanks eventually lost interest in us, allowing central plotting to return to London.
Such is US indifference to us now that the need for a just and fair settlement of the Cyprob was not mentioned once during the televised Obama-Romney election debates.
BACK to Berlin, where the first salvos against Kyproulla were fired by the most prominent member of the Merkel government, finance minister Wolfgang Schaeuble 10 days ago.
Schaeuble was asked whether the raising of Cyprus’ corporate tax would be a condition for providing financial assistance. He said euro group members had been making this demand ‘very forcefully’ and the Cyprus government was aware of it.
His diplomatic response was only the start. A couple of days later, the authoritative German weekly Der Spiegel published a report which confirmed that the latest conspiracy against Kyproulla was, like our beloved BMW, made in Germany.
The German intelligence service BND, according to Der Spiegel, reported Russian deposits in Cyprus banks amounted to $26 billion and the island still offered “opportunities for money laundering”. We had given citizenship to some 80 Russian oligarchs, thus giving them access to the entire EU, the BND source told the magazine.
Der Spiegel concluded that the financial assistance given by the EU and IMF to shore up Cyprus banks would go towards protecting the Russian oligarchs, “who have parked illegal income in accounts,” in Kyproulla.
This proves the theory that jealousy of Kyproulla has always been one of the strongest motivating factors of international conspirators, be they Yanks, Anglo-Saxons or Huns. Of course, the Huns get jealous when they know that we own more Mercs and Beemers per head of population than they do.
HUN politicians have also jumped on the anti-Kyproulla bandwagon. A Social Democrat MP was quoted by Der Spiegel as saying that before any bailout was approved “the country’s business model must be addressed.”
Carsten Schneider said: “We cannot use the German taxpayer’s money to guarantee deposits of illegal Russian money in Cypriot banks.”
On Tuesday, German daily Die Welt attacked us, describing poor old Kyproulla as “a tax haven and playground for money launderers.” The paper claimed that our Central Bank was on the verge of giving a banking licence to the Federal Bank of the Middle East, which has a bit of a money-laundering reputation in exchange for the bank renewing a €240 million loan it gave to our government, beyond the November 4 cash-in date.
Die Welt concluded its article by saying that “European donors will find it difficult to tell their voters that their tax money would be used to protect the foreign assets of Russian millionaires and billionaires.”
OUR GREATEST and most fearless foreign and local conspiracy-buster Spy Kyp may have passed away but his legacy lives on. Our politicians united to resist the Kraut conspiracy against our country, sending the message that ‘we might be broke but we have not lost our will to fight for a low corporate tax.’
Leading the resistance was AKEL chief Andros, who showed heroic defiance to the horrible Huns. “We will not give in to any threats, no matter where they come from,” said the courageous Android on Tuesday, before warning the Germans that if they mess with us we would take the whole euro group down with us.
“Germany needs to keep the euro group united as much as we need the support of the troika. If they think they can cause problems to the Cyprus Republic, other countries would follow which would affect their (Germany’s) standing.” The cocky Krauts, said the Android, wanted “to impose their views on the entire EU and take all the wealth of Europe.” So far it is Europe that has been taking all the wealth of Germany, but factual reality is never allowed to slip into Akelite propaganda.
THE ANDROID’S heroic warning was made after a meeting he had with the visiting chairman of the Party of the United European Left in the Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe, who has the rather unfortunate name of Tiny Kox.
Tiny Kox, a Dutch politician, expressed his admiration for comrade Tof and called for respect of national sovereignty by the EU which “should not tell its members what they should do, how they should do it and with what speed.”
The support of Tiny Kox is welcome but it will not be much help if we have to deal with the big cocks of Berlin.
THE REAL question is why does someone choose to be called Tiny Kox? It might not mean anything in his language, but at the C of E, where he is working, it must raise a few laughs. His full name is Martinus Josephus Maria Kox. Calling himself Maria would be better than Tiny, given the surname.
MORE THAN 30 troublesome Troikans invaded the island this week armed with industrial quantities of Tipp-Ex with which to delete all the red lines that our government has drawn. Of course our government will fight till the bitter end to protect CoLA and comrade Tof’s 13th salary.
Semi-official Tof mouthpiece, weekly rag Gnomi set the tone with a front-page banner headline urging “Resistance, people”. The article called on people to “resist the terrorism of the Germans and their local lackeys” and not allow a “recessionary bailout to be imposed.” As victims of hundreds of conspiracies we deserve a growth bailout.
It is not only the comrade’s journalistic henchmen who believe this. Yesterday DIKO deputy Angelos Votsis was arguing that as the austerity measures have failed wherever they were imposed (this is an AKEL propaganda message adopted by all our politicians), the troika should use Kyproulla for a new experiment – the bailout should focus on creating conditions of development and growth, because our country had its unique peculiarities.
Union bosses have also cited Kyproulla’s unique peculiarities to argue against the troika proposals that would diminish their powers. The only unique peculiarity we can really boast about is the embarrassingly high number of people with very low IQ in positions of authority speaking on our behalf.
WHATEVER happened to the IMF’s pin-up girl Delia Velculescu, whom cameramen and photographers love? We did not see a single picture of her since the arrival of the troikans even though it was reported that she had come as well.
There have been other troika females in film clips and photographs but none of them had the star quality or the elegance of dear Delia. Sigma TV’s economics correspondent, who knows as much about economics as comrade Tof, Petra Argyrou, reported on Friday night that Delia was ushered into the finance ministry through the back door, presumably to avoid the photographers and cameramen waiting for her.
Argyrou, who was formerly known as Petroulla but changed her name to Petra, in order to have more authority when she re-invented herself as an economics expert, claimed that Delia violated the ministry protocol by going in through a back door. Everyone had to go through the reception and give their credentials, reported Petroulla proud that she had uncovered a major scandal.
Who knows, we may be able to get a court to declare the bailout agreement null and void because a member of the troika did not enter the finance ministry through the right entrance.
AT LEAST the Troikans practice what they preach. Two of them were seen carrying six-packs of Ayios Nicolaos bottled water in the Hilton lift to their bedrooms. They did not want to pay the extortionate price the hotel charges for the 500ml bottle of water provided in the mini-bar.
I suspect that any drinks they take from their room’s mini-bar they pay out of their own pocket. They should include such a provision for Cypriot officials staying abroad, who probably charge hookers to their hotel bills, in the bailout agreement.
Staying on the issue of travel expenses, the Troikans could also scrap the €200 per diem allowance our comrade president collects from the taxpayer for every day he is abroad, even though all his expenses – hotel, food, travel – are paid for by the taxpayer. It could be a red line for the government, like his 13th salary.
EDEK’S Marinos Sizopoulos came up with a great description of the troika on a morning radio show yesterday. He called it a group of ‘loan sharks’ and was so proud of his sound-bite he repeated it three times.
I do not want to be accused of being a defender of loan sharks, but at least they do not tell you how to spend the money they give you, because they have ways of ensuring your loan repayments are made promptly. Add to this the fact that the interest rate on the money the troika will lend us will be less than half what the Cypriot banks, which are supposedly not loan sharks, charge us.
SPEAKING of banks the Governor of the Central Bank Professor Panicos and his lieutenant and AKEL apparatchik Spyros Stavrinakis are really turning the screw on the top executives and directors of the Bank of Cyprus.
Stavrinakis is constantly demanding reports and explanations for every decision the bank has taken, calling in directors for questioning and applying pressure on them to resign. B of C directors fear that Professor Panicos is working on instructions from AKEL to get rid of the old directors and replace them with government appointees as the first step in an effort to bring the bank under state control.
The directors cannot think of another explanation for being treated like criminal suspects by the professor. Ironically, Dr Panicos is not half as tough with Laiki, which is not just much deeper in the merde than the B of C, it is technically bankrupt.
Not only has he not been giving a hard time to its top executives, but one of our metrios-drinking customers, who works as a waiter in a Nicosia restaurant, saw Dr Panicos having lunch there with the Laiki CEO Christos Stylianides. Stylianides was Andreas Vgenopoulos’ right hand in the period when the Greek con-man led Laiki to insolvency.
AKEL and the government have been offering total protection to Vgenopoulos, blaming the banks for our economic mess, but never the man in charge of the bank. He must have made big contributions to the party and the Tof election campaign to enjoy such a level of protection.
WHEN Commerce Minister Neoclis Sylikiotis announced the second round of licensing for offshore oil exploration, he said that contracts with the successful bidders would have been signed at the end of 2013 by the new government.
Now the government has announced that the contracts would be signed before comrade Tof leaves office in February. Why? If it were any other government, we would have said that it wanted to sign the contracts so it would take millions in commissions. But this is an AKEL government and we all know that communists are not only honest, they are incorruptible.
I suspect they want to sign before the comrade leaves office, to ensure licensing is done honestly and above board. They should get moving because there only 105 days left of Tof’s incorruptible presidency.
LAST Thursday’s power cut was due to a technical problem and was not ordered by the troika as a way to save money, as some people claimed. Being loan sharks, they may resort to power cuts when we fail to make our loan repayments on time, but we can worry about that next year, if we agree a bailout with the Troikans and the German terrorists.