Tales from the Coffeeshop: The revolution was cancelled

UNFORTUNATELY, the election results were disappointingly predictable and the instability that the government, Annita, Junior and Phil’s hacks were terrified of did not happen.

The two big parties both kept the number of seats they had in the House, Elam increased its number of seats to eight to equal Diko’s while the parties of Fidias and Odysseas managed to secure four seats each, nowhere near enough to destabilise the system, even in an alliance with Akel, the only opposition party.

On the plus side, the uber-nationalist socialists of Edek and the uncompromising Greens failed to win a seat, which means we will be spared the self-righteous platitudes in which they specialised. They will still be around to irritate us, but by not being in the legislature, their media exposure will be limited.

Dipa were also excluded, but that was to be expected when you consider that its leader Marios Garoyan had so little faith in his party he decided it was not worth standing. Despite this show of no confidence in the party by its leader, Dipa, amazingly, still took 3.1 per cent of the vote.

TWO of the three parties that were part of Prezniktwo’s election alliance failed to enter parliament, despite being represented in the cabinet and benefiting, to some extent, from presidential rusfeti.

Not the end of the world for the Prez, who has managed to make inroads into the populist fascist movement of Elam. His big buddy, the former mayor of Strovolos, Andreas Papacharalambous was elected on the Elam ticket, so the prospects for his re-election in 2028 are not as bad as some commentators claimed.

With the backing of Elam and Diko he would have 20 per cent of the vote and with the support of his mentor Nik I he would win enough Disy votes to slip into the second round.

Odysseas’ election prospects were dealt a big blow, because with a 5.8 per cent share, he would have great difficulty selling himself as a presidential candidate to the commies of Akel. His party did one good thing – it ensured that we will have Irene Charalambides ranting and raving about social injustice and big scandals for another five years.  

THE FUTURE of the parties that failed to win a seat is uncertain, as they will not be eligible to the handsome state subsidy receive every year by parliamentary parties. There will also be no invites to national council meetings, but they will cope with that.

For a party like Edek, which has offices and full-time employees to pay every month, the prospects are not good. The party of wokeness, Volt, which also failed to win a seat, is more likely to survive as it was never a recipient of a state subsidy and has minimal monthly expenses.

Fidias, meanwhile, will be laughing all the way to the bank. He will still be collecting his MEP salary and allowances – he chose to stay in the much better-paid seat in the European Parliament – while his party, Direct Democracy, will be collecting the annual state subsidy.

Considering Direct Democracy has no offices and staff, the state subsidy will be clear profit for its main shareholder, who is proving as good a businessman as he is a social media influencer. From what I hear, Fidias will donate the party profits to his favourite animal charities.

I WILL not bore you with speculation about who will be the next president of the House, which has been the main story ever since the final election results were announced.

This is a ceremonial post which primarily involves a lot of handshaking with foreign dignitaries and sitting silently next to the president and archbishop during official functions. The speaker has no power or political relevance, her only authority consisting of giving the floor to deputies during the House plenum and telling off anyone who speaks out of turn.

The speaker also has the role of acting president with no executive power, when the Prez is out of the country. I like the idea of Ethnarch Junior as president of the House – he is one of the favourites – as the role will help him grow up without causing any harm to the country.

NIK I made quite a few TV appearances lately, using the elections as an excuse and giving the impression that he wants a more visible political role for himself, mainly as a kingmaker.

He has given himself credit for allegedly bringing disaffected Disy voters back to the fold and contributing to the party’s good election results. Some say that he is plotting to deliver Disy to his protégé Nik II for the 2028 elections, but this might be a step too far even for the Machiavellian Nik I.

Another reading is that he has embarked on a charm offensive for fear that the report prepared by the Anti-Corruption Authority will find that corruption allegations made against him were well-founded. The report, which is said to consist of about 3,000 pages, is due to be made public in 10 days and is unlikely to go easy on Nik.

The investigation was, after all, carried out by a prominent Aussie lawyer, who is unlikely to go easy on the former prez, in the way every Cypriot who investigated him while he was prez, had done.

THE INSANE practice of parents taking legal action against the Church because their adult son became a monk is alive and well, even though every such case has been lost and the only winner is the lawyer of the plaintiffs.

In the latest such loony case, according to a report in Saturday’s Phil, the parents of a 45-year-old monk who has been in Macheras monastery for years, have taken action against the Bishop of Limassol, Athanasios, and the Abbot of Macheras, Epiphanios, claiming they had proselytised him and demanding that they “set him free.”

The parents are also demanding damages from the two priests of between €500,000 and €2m. Interestingly the lawsuit was filed in 2016, when the monk was 35 years old and is being tried now that he is middle-aged.

What makes this case marginally different is that the parents claim that Athanasios and Epiphanios started influencing their son when he was just 15 and carried on doing so during his studies in the US, when they put him in touch with some Orthodox priest in Arizona.

I bet the lawyer told the parents they had a good chance of winning the case by claiming the poisoning of the kid’s mind by the priests began when he was 15.

NOW IF the man had joined some death cult, you could understand the parents being upset, but he has joined a monastery, like other men with boring lives, have done for many centuries. And I bet the son entered when he was an adult, free to decide how to live his own life.

Some parents just cannot accept their kids choosing a life they do not approve of, but cannot take the blame for this so they sue the church. They probably wanted them to become an accountant or a lawyer and make loads of money so they could be proud of him and share his successes with friends and relatives. 

I must admit that I would feel I had spectacularly failed as a parent if one of my sons decided to become a monk, or even a priest, but I would not blame some stupid priest whose job it is to bring youths into the church. I would blame myself for bringing up a kid that is afraid to live and wants to spend his life shut inside a monastery with loads of other hairy men praying all day and all night.

I could probably just about live with him becoming an accountant, but a monk no. I would be looking for a lawyer to sue God, not some lowly bishop, if this happened.