We all want a sense of control over our lives. Like the director of a theater production, we try to bring clarity and order to an unpredictable and chaotic world. However, life has a way of reminding us we’re not the director. We’re cast members who often find ourselves in roles we didn’t audition for, dealing with plot twists we didn’t see coming. That’s when, according to bestselling writer Dr. Venus Nicolino, it’s important to let go of control and embrace acceptance.

The Los Angeles-based author said these unfortunate moments happen to us all. Sometimes we are caught up in world events, such as the COVID-19 global pandemic. Other times, it’s an intense, personal loss. In those moments, Dr. Venus Nicolino said it’s important to recognize our emotions and let go of the need to orchestrate our lives.

“Make a plan, or plan ahead, is the usual advice, and usually decent advice. But there will come a day when you can’t plan ahead,” she said in a video posted on her popular TikTok channel. “For some of you, that day is today.”

Letting go of the illusion of control

Dr. Venus Nicolino, sometimes known simply as “Dr. V,” has dedicated her professional life to working with people to handle relationship issues and other challenges. She holds a master’s in counseling psychology and a master’s and Ph.D. in clinical psychology. She frequently discusses a variety of issues in her TikTok videos and Instagram posts, as well as on “The Tea With Dr. V” podcast.

She also is a bestselling author who takes on ill-advised, conventional wisdom in her book, Bad Advice: How To Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t. The book highlights her irreverent and funny but insightful take on managing life’s challenges. While perhaps best known for speaking and writing about relationship issues, she also often talks about other issues, including the pain of loss due to the end of a relationship or death of a loved one.

In talking about giving up control in the face of unexpected and often tragic events, Dr. Venus Nicolino engages with something everyone experiences. People have an innate desire to control their environment. However, when reality shatters this control, it can lead to heightened stress and anxiety.

This often happens in the earliest of the five stages of grief, as described in the book On Death and Dying by Swiss American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. Those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In particular, people in that first stage, denial, do not want to let go of the life they were leading before a tragic event occurs. “Grief is an overwhelming emotion,” according to Healthine. “It’s not unusual to respond to strong and often sudden feelings by pretending the loss or change isn’t happening.”

It’s this early moment in the wake of a traumatic life event that Dr. Venus Nicolino focuses on in her video.

Dr. Venus Nicolino talks about dealing with dark days

People experience many different types of loss, including divorce, job loss, a bad medical diagnosis, or tragic national or global events. While not focusing on any one event, Dr. Venus Nicolino described them as a “crisis you can’t fight back against, much less defeat.” In those moments, planning and control no longer apply.

“Never mind making a plan when simply surviving is victory,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said. “On those dark days, you don’t need to plan ahead. Keeping your head will be hard enough. And to do that, you have to do the opposite of planning ahead.”

She said part of doing “the opposite” is to resist the all-too-human tendency to look toward what will happen next.

“Resist looking toward the future, because that’s too much to ask of yourself, too much to manage. You survive these pain-filled events minute by minute by letting go of what might happen in the next hours,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said. “The next 60 seconds is daunting enough and requires all your energy and attention.”

Taking the first step toward acceptance that you have no control

Dr. Venus Nicolino mentions acceptance in her video. But she does so in the context of those initial days after a terrible event, when acceptance involves simply understanding “you have no control over the events unfolding in sorrow and loss.”

This acceptance is the first step toward the larger acceptance of a traumatic event, the fifth stage of grief. Eventually, overcoming denial and letting yourself feel your emotions can help people build resilience that allows them to recover from difficulties. Steps along the way include taking care of your body, fostering good relationships, practicing mindfulness, and avoiding negative outlets that mask pain and grief (alcohol, drugs, or other substances), according to the American Psychological Association.

However, in those earlier days after experiencing an event beyond your control, it’s important to stay in the moment and feel your emotions, rather than masking them or running from them.

“We’re told that being present, focusing on the ‘now,’ is a good way to handle life. But it’s not easy. It’s downright impossible most of the time,” said Dr. Venus Nicolino. “But during moments of great suffering, ‘now’ is all that’s required of you. The future can wait. It will tend to itself while you tend to the moment you can touch, knowing you can’t change it, but your touch and attention is enough for now.”

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