Pregnancy days are a blissful time, where dreams of your beautiful baby sleeping, feeding, and affectionately cooing fill your mind and soul. 

Then the wonder of motherhood arrives, and right alongside it comes the sleepless nights, endless nappy changes, and a pile of laundry that never quite seems to be done. 

Yet somehow, you navigate it. You find out you never really knew what tired was, but you embrace it. Maybe you never anticipated the difficulty of breastfeeding, but you plow ahead and get your baby fed. You thought a tired bubba would be easy to get to sleep, and yet, it is perhaps the hardest thing of all — but you manage, and many even thrive.

Then, inevitably, just when you feel you have (some) sense of control over the situation, the doubt creeps in. Did you breastfeed as long as you should have? Is dropping them off at daycare going to cause future abandonment issues? Are you feeding them enough healthy food?

Sound familiar? You are not alone. Welcome to the world of mom guilt. 

What is mom guilt?

Mom guilt is the guilt and shame mothers feel when they don’t live up to their own or others’ expectations in their role as a parent figure. It’s that inner voice that consistently criticizes, says you are not doing enough, or persists with the idea that you are somehow failing as a mother. 

Guilt generally arises when we think we have done something wrong, and shame arises when we think we are a bad person. With the constant barrage of information on what is right, wrong, good or bad for our children, and the continual reinforcement of cultural norms we should be adhering to when raising children,  it’s easy to see how mom guilt can creep slowly but surely into our lives. 

The “I’m not doing enough” guilt

Have you ever looked around your home, seen the mountain of unwashed dishes, the piles of unlaundered clothes, the pet fur that has permanently embedded itself in the carpet, all while holding a screaming child and thought, “I’m not doing enough,” despite having only so many hours in a day to do it all? Yep, that’s mom guilt.

The “am I being too strict?” guilt

Striking the right balance when dishing out discipline is a rough game at the best of times, but throw in a little mom guilt and thoughts can darken pretty quickly; “Am I being too strict and hindering their emotional development? Or am I being too lenient, not allowing for appropriate boundary-setting?”

The “I’m neglecting my family for my career” guilt

Moms often need to balance many roles within a home. Some are primary caregivers, some are primary breadwinners, and some are enrolled in education courses like online ABSN programs and need to balance study with parenting and part-time work. Despite this being the best thing for the family, it can be hard for a mom to choose to spend time away from the family to focus on themselves and their career, particularly when traditional gender-role stereotypes — think women as caregivers, nurturers, homemakers, and helpers — creep in.

Why do we feel mom guilt?

Guilt is a core emotion that governs social behavior by promoting compliance with either social norms or self-imposed standards. Unfortunately for moms these days, the prevalent standard is a mom who can “do it all” — fuelled by the neverending stream of unrealistic mommy bloggers, Instagrammers and TikTokers who lead seemingly perfectly balanced lives, consistently hitting their #momgoals. 

This consistent exposure to social media has widened our mom circle and the expectations that come with being a mom. A generation or two ago, some women had to deal with the guilt of choosing or needing to work instead of remaining a stay-at-home mom as was the norm. Today, our internalized idea of what a good mom does is arguably much greater. Not only are we expected to be the ever-present and engaged mother, but we are also expected to maintain the perfect home, cook fresh, homemade meals every day, create fun, educational activities for kids to do while avoiding screentime, and of course, build a thriving, successful career on the side. 

It’s little wonder women experience mom guilt, with the many competing responsibilities, heightened expectations, and heightened judgment placed squarely on their shoulders. There are so many roles a woman is expected to play — calm parent, loving partner, caring daughter, and career queen — there is hardly time to be oneself amongst it all. 

How to overcome mom guilt

Mom guilt can leave you stressed, anxious, or depressed which can lead to greater health issues. Balancing your own needs versus the needs of your children and family can also become a vicious guilt-ridden cycle, however, there are a few tips you can try to help work through your guilt:

Self care

Self-care provides the opportunity to give time back to yourself and lower your stress level. Taking just ten minutes to yourself can make a world of difference, whether you use that time to take a nice shower or bath, call a friend, take a quick walk, or even scroll mindlessly on your phone. Ten minutes to yourself can help you recharge and be in a better mindset to tackle the next challenge of the day — and be a more present mom. 

Avoid comparison

Easier said than done, but if you can avoid comparing yourself to other moms — especially those on social media — you can help lessen the mom guilt. Remember, you don’t know the whole story behind that perfect photo or video, and people tend to put their best foot forward online while glossing over the less-glamorous side of life. 

Find someone to talk to

Talking about your concerns with other, trusted individuals can help reduce the burden we place on ourselves, and really good friends or family can help pull us back to reality too. Many mothers also seek support from licensed professionals like therapists or mental health providers, who can help develop appropriate coping mechanisms. 

The reality is you’re probably doing an incredible job as a mom, but it can be easy to convince yourself otherwise. If you ever catch mom guilt creeping in, take time to assess why you’re feeling the way you are, take steps to help ease these feelings, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.