Understanding the complexities of dating

By Depina Nicola

Dating can be both thrilling and intimidating. For many women, it is especially nerve-wracking due to genetic predispositions and societal conditioning. The fear of scarcity – of not finding a partner and missing out on companionship, security and family – can lead individuals to compromise their authenticity. Similarly, men and women alike may find themselves trying too hard to please their dates, often at the expense of their own needs and values.

Many women grow up believing that a partner will provide protection, companionship, passion and intimacy. Meanwhile, men often seek physically attractive partners to pass on strong genes. These desires can sometimes push individuals to abandon their true selves in the pursuit of an idealised relationship. However, investing in a relationship based on superficial or fear-driven motives can result in long-term heartache.

Before diving into dating, it is essential to pause and ask: Who is this person? Are they truly right for me? While physical attraction and financial security may seem appealing, they should not be the foundation of a relationship. Instead, a fulfilling partnership is built on mutual respect, shared values and long-term compatibility.

Clarifying your dating purpose

Before committing to a date, it is crucial to define what you are looking for in a partner. Ask yourself:

Do I just want to have fun for a few hours a week?

Am I looking for a lover?

Do I want a committed relationship, such as a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Am I searching for a life partner?

Or am I simply seeking friendship?

By establishing your end goal early on, you can determine whether a potential partner shares your intentions. Expressing your expectations upfront not only prevents unnecessary heartbreak but also makes you more attractive – confidence and honesty are highly appealing traits. Although some people believe in being mysterious, genuine connections thrive when both individuals are open and authentic.

Understanding deal breakers

A deal breaker is a fundamental value or belief that you are unwilling to compromise. These are the cracks in a relationship that, if ignored, can cause it to sink over time. Often, early signs of incompatibility seem insignificant, but they can become major sources of conflict later on.

For example, if a woman desires children while her partner does not, this issue may initially be overlooked due to attraction or chemistry. However, as time passes and her biological clock ticks, this difference can become a relationship-ending factor. Women, more than men, may compromise on their deal breakers due to societal pressures and the fear of being alone. But bending on non-negotiable values often leads to resentment and dissatisfaction.

Some of the most common deal breakers include:

Children: Whether or not to have them, willingness to raise non-biological children, or openness to adoption.

Religion: Differences in religious beliefs or practices that could cause conflict.

Addictions: Drug use, alcohol abuse, gambling, excessive shopping, or internet addiction.

Marriage timeline: Women often feel more urgency around marriage than men do.

Concealing deal breakers in the hope that love will change someone’s mind is a risky approach. If a relationship starts with foundational cracks, it is only a matter of time before they widen, leading to pain and disappointment. Instead, be upfront about your deal breakers from the beginning, when there is minimal emotional investment.

What are you willing to give and receive?

Once you commit to a relationship, consider what you are willing to provide and what you expect in return. Relationships thrive when both partners give and receive in a way that aligns with their values and needs. Ask yourself:

What do I want to offer my partner? (emotional support, financial stability, intellectual conversations, intimacy)

What do I expect in return? (appreciation, respect, companionship, encouragement)

For example, if your passion lies in discussing mental health and personal growth, you might seek a partner who engages in deep conversations and appreciates your insights. Identifying these needs before attachment forms prevents future disappointments and misunderstandings.

Leading with honesty and vulnerability

Honesty from the outset creates a foundation of trust and mutual understanding. While some fear that revealing too much may drive people away, the truth is that openness attracts the right partner – someone who values and respects your authenticity.

Moreover, vulnerability is the key to a meaningful connection. Every great love story begins with someone taking the risk to be vulnerable. Love cannot flourish without emotional honesty and the courage to express your true self.

By understanding your dating purpose, defining your deal breakers, and openly communicating your needs, you can approach dating with clarity and confidence. Avoiding fear-based decisions and embracing authenticity will help you find a partner who genuinely aligns with your values. Remember, relationships built on truth and mutual respect are the ones that truly last. So, be brave, be honest, and set sail with a strong, hole-free ship!